Draco Malfoy: Harry Potter, with a twist
by Bloated Toads
Summary: Two foreign students from America are admitted into Hogwarts and sorted into Slytherin house. LOOK OUT MALFOY! Or as they would like to call him, FERDY! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! VERY FUNNY!!!!!!
1. Welcome to Hell

**A/N: **Just to let you know, according to us, as we are both Christians, there will be no cussing in this piece.  You might hear 'hell' pop up, but that is like the place where 'Satan' lives … not the cuss word.  Oh yes, our characters love to pronounce Draco, Duh-rA-cO.  Thank you!

**_Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter … with a twist)_**

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**_By: Bloated Toads (June and Leah)_**

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**Summary: **Two foreign students from America are admitted into Hogwarts and sorted into Slytherin house.  LOOK OUT MALFOY! … Or as our characters like to call him … FERDY!

Chapter One ~ Welcome To Hell 

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            "Morris, Leah," Professor McGonagall called.

            A girl pushed her way through the frightened first years and walked up to the stool.  However, she did not look as though she was eleven, she looked more along the lines of fifteen.  She had shoulder length brown dark brown hair and dazzling blue eyes.  She casually sat down on the stool and crossed her arms, looking not in the least bit scared or anxious, but rather bored.

            Almost as soon as the battered old sorting hat touched her head, it shouted out: "SLYTHERIN!"

            Leah jumped off the stool and walked over to the house table, accompanied by tumultuous applause.  She walked over to where a certain blonde haired boy sat.  "Excuse me Goyle," she said to a large boy sitting next to him.  "Could you possibly move a little to the right? … Thanks." She sat down and turned to the boy with blonde hair – who happened to be Malfoy – and said: "Welcome to Hell," which she ended with a grin.

            "Burns, June," Professor McGonagall called.

            Another girl, whom looked like she was fifteen as well, walked up to the stool.  She had thick, curly brown hair and sharp green eyes.  She sat down on the stool and the hat didn't even touch her head before it shouted out, "SLYTHERIN!"

            Leah, who had turned to watch the girl, heard Malfoy give a great huff, and turned to him, saying, "What's the matter Draco?  Jealous that she might be more evil than you?"

            Malfoy looked surprised, but quickly concealed his emotions.  "I don't know what you're talking about," he sneered.  He turned to his golden plate, wishing that the food would magically appear.

            Just then, June turned up at Malfoy's left side.  She looked from Malfoy to Crabbe – who was sitting at his left – and back again.  She began patting her lips with her forefinger, slowly but thoughtfully, and then, with all the strength she could muster, apparently, she began pushing on Crabbe, trying to move him to the left.  Yet, he did not even move an inch.  Finally, as a last resort, she said, "Uh, Crabbe?  You're wanted in the kitchen."

            "Thanks," he said, getting to his feet and plodding away.

            "Sure thing," June said, sitting down in his seat.  "Hi … Draco."

            Malfoy scowled and said: "Think my name's funny do you?"

            "Mhm!" Leah said.

            "Yeah," June said, nearly at the same time.

            But just then, Dumbledore stood up, said his few words, and the food magically appeared on the plates in front of them.

            "OH!" June squealed, spooning some broccoli onto her plate.  She picked one off her plate and held it in front of Malfoy.  "Mmm … broccoli! … Do you like … bro-ki-lee … Draco?"

            "Just stop calling me 'Draco', ok?" Malfoy said testily.

            "What's the matter Draco?" Leah said.  "Don't you like your first name … Draco?"

            "Bro-ki-lee?" June questioned, pushing the green vegetable closer to his nose.

            "No thanks," he said, rolling his eyes.  "I'm allergic."

            "To what?" she asked.

            Malfoy raised his eyebrows and turned back to his plate.

            "Bro-ki-lee?" she questioned.

            "Yes!  I'm allergic … to broccoli," he snapped.

            "OK!" she said cheerfully, plopping it down on his plate anyways.  She turned back to her food and eyed a piece of broccoli.  Picking it up she said: "Bro-ki-lee?"

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            As Malfoy was getting up to leave, June and Leah jumped to their feet in unison.

            "Hey Draco –" June began.

            "- You need to lead us to the common room because we don't know where it is – " Leah continued.

            "-Draco," they finished together.

            Malfoy shook his head and quickly walked off with June and Leah following.  He led them far into the dungeons ("Cozy," Leah muttered) to a bare stonewall.

            "Oh, oh, me!" June cried, jumping up and down, waving her arm in the air.  "Let ME say the password!  PLEASE!!!!" she pleaded.

            "O…k," Malfoy said.  He stood aside and beckoned her to try, while rolling his eyes a suppressing a smirk.

            June stepped up closed to the wall and lightly drummed her fingers on her lips in a thoughtful way.  "Hm…" she said.  Suddenly, she turned around and said, "You know what I feel like eating?"

            "Uh…" Malfoy said, wondering if he'd ever feel his mattress under him again.

            "Nope," Leah said cheerfully.

            "CORNBREAD!" June yelled, flinging her arms out and smacking Malfoy in the face.  But amazingly enough, the wall behind her opened and, can you believe it, 'cornbread' was indeed the password.

            "What the heck is 'cornbread'?" Malfoy said, cocking his head to the side.

            "You don't know what cornbread is?!?!?!" Leah exclaimed in amazement, her eyes widening.  "Ok, now this is REALLY getting sad."

            June put her hand on Malfoy's shoulder and heaved a sigh.  She closed her eyes for a second, shook her head, the looked sadly up at Malfoy's puzzled face, who kept glancing at her hand on his shoulder.  She then dramatically turned her gaze to Leah.  "We have some work to do," she said.

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            Malfoy wearily climbed the stairs and heard an annoying, "Nighty night Dracie!" from downstairs in the common room.  (**A/N: **OUR world's shortest paragraph)

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            For no apparent reason, Malfoy woke up early in the morning and his mouth was rater dry.  Glancing at his clock, he saw that it was only just six AM.  Deciding to get a drink of water before he went back to bed, he got up and walked sleepily to the door and down the spiral staircase to the common room.

            When he reached the foot of the stairs, he stopped dead in his tracks.  For there, crouching by the fire and burning a stick, was June.  And looking around, he also saw Leah lounging on the couch and reading a book.

            June was singing merrily as she burned … as stick.  "Draco Malfoy, Leah Morris, June Burns … A STICK!"  And she was singing this song repeatedly.

            Meanwhile, Leah muttered, "Morning Draco," even though her back was to him.

            "How did you know I was here?" Malfoy asked.

            "Oh, I have weird ways of knowing," Leah said.  "Also that mirror kind of helped," she added, pointing a dismissive finger at a mirror on the wall in front of her.

            "Right," he muttered, slowly backing up the stairs, forgetting his wanted drink.

            But then suddenly, June spotted him and cried, "DRACIE!  Have you come to burn sticks with me?"

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            Malfoy lazily spooned porridge into his bowl and added a touch of treacle.  He was just lifting his spoon to his mouth when Leah snapped her fingers, startling him into tipping the bowl into his lap.

            "June, did you see Amy's robe yesterday?" Leah exclaimed, not noticing Malfoy's dilemma, even though practically everyone else at the table was staring at him and she was sitting right next to him."

            "Yeah," June said.  "They were like, so totally navy, not black.  I mean, there is SUCH a difference.  I can't believe the teachers didn't catch it."

            "Oh I know!" Leah said.  "You'd think they didn't know anything about fashion."

            "Totally!" June said.  "And dud you see those two making out on the train the other day?"

            "Oh I know!  That was disgusting!" Leah cried.  "Couldn't they have done it in a compartment?  I mean, there were children on that train!"

            All the while, Malfoy had been sitting between them, fuming about his porridge and wondering how girls could pick up so much information by the first day.  And it was perhaps his angry grunt that distracted June so much from their conversation to say, "-klutz-" and continue on with their conversation.

            After five more minutes of discussing different ways in which to style their hair and the different shades of nylons ("Oh I think the blue eye shadow goes better with that nylon than the green."), Leah finally said to Malfoy.  "Gosh Draco, aren't you going to clean that up?"

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            June screamed gleefully as she picked up her schedule of classes.  "Oh, lookie lookie!  We've got all the same classes as Dracie!"

            "We're in Slytherin, he's in Slytherin; we're in fifth year, he's in fifth year.  What a concept," Leah said sarcastically.

            June looked rather startled and grabbed Malfoy by the shoulders, forcing him to facer her.  "YOU'RE IN SYLTHERIN?!?!?!" she squeeled.

            "Just noticed?" he questioned.

            "YEAH!" June said enthusiastically.

            "Please tell me you're joking," Malfoy said.

            Leah leaned in close to him and said; "She's not."

**A/N: **Well, hope you guys liked the first chapter!  Please read the next chapter when it comes out (which should be soon); pretty please with a review on top!!!

**REVIEWS ARE MUCH APRECIATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	2. Ron Weasley

**_A/N: _**_We are SO utterly and COMPLETELY sorry that we've taken SO very long with this chapter, but we had a "bit" of trouble with writing it … writer's block and all that.  We're REALLY hoping that this chapter will be just as funny as the last._

_Now, since we took so long, we'll get onto the chapter.  Thanks for all the reviews!!!!!_

Chapter Two ~ Ron Weasley 

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            Malfoy opened the door slowly and peered around.  He had hidden in the bathroom for the whole of the lunch hour to escape from Leah and June.  Now, he saw them nowhere in sight.  He sighed and stepped out into the open.  He made his way through the castle towards the grounds, for his next class was Care of Magical Creatures.

            As he was walking out of the doors, he heard a somewhat far off person call to him, "DRACIE!" that person said.

            Attempting to ignore it, he kept of walking.  He heard running footsteps and then someone called right behind him, "Dracie!"  And that someone turned out to be June, with Leah in close tow.

            "Curses," said Malfoy.

            June immediately covered her head, fell to the floor, and exclaimed, "AH!  WHERE?!?!?!"

            Leah kept walking beside Malfoy, but called over her shoulder, "He means he's swearing, honey, it's ok."

            June popped up from the ground and ran to catch up with Malfoy and Leah.  They made their way down to Hagrid's cabin, Malfoy amidst the girlish chatter of Leah and June.

            As they neared, June stopped abruptly and her eyes grew wide with glee.  Malfoy followed her gaze and saw that it had rested on Hermione Granger; with her bushy brown hair, who could miss her?  In his opinion, she was a filthy mudblood and nothing else.

            June ran up to Hermione and cried, "BOOM!"

            Hermione jumped and turned around quickly.  June's eyes were sparkling with joy and excitement.

            Leah walked up and said, "Hi, Hermione.  What's up?"

            Hermione looked puzzled.  "Uh … how do you know my name?"

            June began to giggle uncontrollable.  Malfoy backed away until he was at a yard's distance, then fled over to Crabb and Goyle, hoping they would be able to protect him.

            June's watchful eye had not caught his escape, for she had suddenly spied Ron Weasley.  Her eyes widened, her jaw dropped, and her body seemed to go ridged. 

            Ron raised an eyebrow.  "What's her problem?" he asked Leah.

            "Huh … well … see … it's kind of hard to explain, since she just met you and all but … oh how can I put this lightly?  She has a crush on you," said Leah.

            Without taking her eyes from Ron or raising her jaw, June reached and whacked Leah on the head, then went back to her original stance.

            Leah rolled her eyes and all of a sudden, spotted Malfoy's head sticking out from behind Goyle.  When he caught her gaze, his eyes widened and his head popped back behind his bodyguard.

            Leah grabbed June's arm and dragged her (literally) over to Malfoy.  "Hello … Draco," Leah said, smiling.

            June's head whipped around and she said, "Draco?" She ran over to him and gave him a great big hug around the middle, lifting his feet off the ground.  "I thought we'd lost you!" she cried.

            She set him down on the ground and turned sternly to Crabb and Goyle.  "You two should know better than to take Draco away from us!  He's only a child; he could get hurt!"

            Crabb and Goyle looked at each other, but before they could say anything, Malfoy exclaimed, "I'm NOT a child!"

            June smiled and pinched his cheek, saying, "Of course you aren't!," in a baby kind of voice.

            Malfoy, losing his temper, as many Malfoys did, pushed June to the ground.

            "CAT FIGHT!" Leah cried.

            Malfoy whirled around to face her.  "Are you saying that I'm a girl?" he exclaimed.

            "Of course you're not, Draco," Leah reassured.  "But you fight like a girl," she added.

            Malfoy raised his hand to hit her when Hagrid came out of his house.  "Malfoy!  Put that fist back where it came from, or so help me –"

            Everyone stared at Hagrid, not being used to him talking like this.  Even Malfoy was looking under his still upraised arm.

            Realizing what he said, Hagrid stopped in mid-sentence and took twenty points away from Slytherin.

            June suddenly raised her face from the ground (it was plastered with mud, by the way) and shouted a long, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" before dropping it back down again.

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            When the last class of the afternoon had finished, Leah and June linked arms with Malfoy (one on each side) and began skipping up the hall towards the Slytherin common room.  Of course, since Malfoy was not skipping, it was a rather odd sight to behold.

            Finally, when he could take no more, Malfoy wrenched his arms from their grasp and ran away up the stairs.

            Leah and June stopped and looked up after him.  "What's his problem?" Leah mussed.

            "Hormones," June piped.

            "Well, you've just been waiting to say that, haven't you?" Leah teased, turning to June.

            "Mhm," said June, unfazed.  She hopped up the stairs two at a time, no doubt in search of Malfoy.

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            June skidded around the corned and pressed herself up against the wall.  She looked around to make sure no one was looking (even though everyone was) and cautiously stepped into the middle of the hall, scanning the corridor for her prey.

            Leah ran up next to her, huffing and puffing (and  … blowing the house down), as she had been chasing June all over the castle.  "I don't think he's –"

            "Shush!" June said, slapping her finger to her mouth.  She walked over to the wall and pressed her ear upon the cold stone.  "I think," she whispered, "that he's on the eighth floor."

            "There's only seven floors, you idiot!" Leah exclaimed, resisting the urge to hit her friend upside the head … again.

            June suddenly stood up straight and charged down the hall and around the corner.  All of a sudden, a loud "BOOM!" echoed through the hall, and Leah knew that June had found Hermione.

            Leah lightly jogged after June and found her playing with Hermione's hair, through it up in the air and yelling "BOOM!" when it fell back down again.  On Hermione's face was a look of horror … amusement … and bewilderment.  It was an odd mix, but a mix, just the same.

            Leah walked over to June and gently pulled her arms to her side.  "Down, Bessie," she said.

            June looked wildly around.  "I don't see a cow!" she said defiantly, turning to Leah and putting her hands on her hips.

            Leah rolled her eyes.  "Never mind," she said.

            "Why are you guys in such a hurry?" Harry, who was standing slightly behind Hermione, asked.

            "Oh we were looking for –" said Leah, " – oh … what's his face –"

            "DOT COM!" both June and Leah yelled, facing each other.

            Hermione and Harry (and Ron, whom hadn't really been noticed yet) looked rather perplexed.

            "Sorry," Leah said, composing herself.  "It's sort of a web site."

            This answer solved Hermione's questions … and Harry's (mostly).  But Ron looked just as before, if not more.  And that's when June noticed him standing there.  For the second time in the same day, she went ridged, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped.

            "Oh, Ron, sorry," said Leah.  "It's kind of a – kind of a –" She had noticed June gaping at Ron.  Without a second thought, she pushed her to the floor.  "It's a Muggle thing, Ron."

            This seemed to solve the matter for him.

            "Well, we'll just e off, then," Leah said, picking June up off the floor and dragging her away.

**_A/N: _**_ Again, we are SO sorry about the long wait and are both hoping that it won't take half this long next time. More reviews might help!  I don't forget, you can e-mail us (or say in your reviews) some funny ideas that we could possibly put in our chapters.  Hope you liked it!_


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